Balancing as well as I
could all the considerations which hope and fear suggested, I
slowly and reluctantly came to the conclusion that, according to
all merely reasonable probability, the plague had come upon me.
You would suppose that this conviction would have induced me to
write a few farewell lines to those who were dearest, and that
having done that, I should have turned my thoughts towards the
world to come. Such, however, was not the case. I believe that
the prospect of death often brings with it strong anxieties about
matters of comparatively trivial import, and certainly with me the
whole energy of the mind was directed towards the one petty object
of concealing my illness until the latest possible moment--until
the delirious stage. I did not believe that either Mysseri or
Dthemetri, who had served me so faithfully in all trials, would
have deserted me (as most Europeans are wont to do) when they knew
that I was stricken by plague, but I shrank from the idea of
putting them to this test, and I dreaded the consternation which
the knowledge of my illness would be sure to occasion.
I was very ill indeed at the moment when my dinner was served, and
my soul sickened at the sight of the food; but I had luckily the
habit of dispensing with the attendance of servants during my meal,
and as soon as I was left alone I made a melancholy calculation of
the quantity of food which I should have eaten if I had been in my
usual health, and filled my plates accordingly, and gave myself
salt, and so on, as though I were going to dine.
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